Certainty

 Dear Gillan, 

It's only been last year since I last tweeted: 

Before I die, I want to work at O_____

And it has been 4 months since I have been interning in that dream company. I've always looked up to their brand voice and now being one of the people who spearheaded (wow such a big word) that to translate to the local scene, wow. It seems crazy to me even now. 

I recently had a talk with my director about the possibility of converting me into a full time. While I really wanted to jump & take the opportunity and start flying out of my ass - I also had doubts. 

You see, I didn't go to a 'proper' university. My only qualifications are some irrelevant diploma compared to what I'm doing now. Recently, I have had this feeling that my position right now in content creation is not as easy as I thought it was. Whenever I'm in a meeting and listening to my superiors talk, explaining and justifying their actions – it really made wonder "When will I be able to talk like this?" "Will I be as confident as them to lead the meeting?" 

I have so much to learn. 

Over the years, I've realised I've grown to be more shy, slightly timid, and very much introverted. It's definitely a learning curve for me now. To put myself out there, to be more bold and just do it for the vibes, y'know? 

I have so much to learn.

But I'm only 26 and it's never too late to start learning. 


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There was a point in my life where I felt " this. this is how I deserve to be treated" After years of the suffering and pain that you put...I began asking myself whether I am actually capable of loving someone or even being loved. You had me thinking I was dysfunctional, left abandoned trying to get by. I was finally accepting that, this shall be it. Me in it's final form.

Then came this person, this person who was different to me but somehow felt so familiar. A different race, a different ways of bringing up, a different age group but we have the same understanding, in life.

I have always had acknowledge myself as a very sensitive kid. Prone to crying, panicking easily, anxious over thinking. Instead of feeling annoyed of why am I like this - this person just followed me everywhere. When I disappeared purposely to get alone time, he'd always find me. Among the supermarket aisles to the small drain where the kitten hides. He'd then persuade me to come back or to send me home - to a safe area. I was never used to that kind of warmth, it felt foreign to me. But slowly, it did engulfed me. It feels nice to be taken care of, after all.

I remember clearly when I took a joke too far, he snapped out of his character and told me off. It's very rare to see him mad, I shut up instantly, shocked. I cried in the library during lunch, scared to even encounter him in class later on. He did find me ( as always ) He stayed by me, said sorry and asked me to come to class. I did. We had to make seared scallops, he quickly went to get his portion of scallops to cook, when I wanted to go for mine, he stopped and handed me a closed bowl, when he opened it, he kept the large, best looking scallop for me.

--My first love
march 14, 2019 11:55PM
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Sometimes you get so close to someone you end up on the other side of them.

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fleurs