2 April 25, selamat hari raya.

 "You think you're a grown up? I'm not done raising you yet!' - When life gives you tangerine

"You're too young to understand" - my brother

When my brother said the above to me, I thought for a second - I'm almost 27, is that still too young to understand the complexity of a failing relationship? 

Later that night as I laid in bed, those words kept playing in my head. You see, every since I was young my brother had it's way with words, and not for the better. I like to think he's much better showing affection through actions like when he bought me The Hunger Game book series to cultivate my reading habit (at least I hoped that what was he was aiming for). Other than that, a lot of words that he said, was kept in my heart. 

Self-reflecting, I thought to myself huh maybe I am young. What do I know about ending one's marriage? There's so many things I have not faced head on. If one of my parents passed away, how do I even grief? I can't even properly grief on leaving the job that I have wanted for so long. I just bury, pretend nothing happened. But what good does that do when years later I have to unpack my emotions. 

Gillan, I wonder once I have proper solid job, with a car, a house and a loving husband - do I really feel like I was grown up? When I can just throw money at even the slightest inconvenience to make anyone's day better. I really want to renovate my parent's house to accommodate all of their stuff and buy quality kitchenware and electrical supplies so we don't have to rely on cheap substitutes. 

How I feel so inadequate. I yearn to be better but it is so so hard right now. Why have I not cried over this? I want to cry. 

+
a promise

 2025 

I want to be unapologetically myself

+
An update

 I am currently reading Susan Cain’s Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a world that can’t stop talking. A game-changer for me I would say. It made me realise a lot about myself.

Ever since the pandemic, I have noticed that I'm slowly getting more reserved and closed off. My MBTI in 2019 was ENFJ, in 2020 INFJ and eventually ISFP in 2024. Although, I know MBTI is not accurate and it's just some white-guy pseudoscience but I think the noticeable change was concerning to point out. 

Before reading the book, in some way I do hate myself for seemingly not being numb enough for the working world (or tbh, even world) I even go as far as gaslighting myself that I just need to expose myself more then maybe I'll get used to it. When really, there is a reason why I'm feeling all these.

It's because I am an introvert. Nevertheless, the book has provided me insights on how introverts work. I somehow have a better understanding of myself now I guess...

I think you deserve an update, Gillan. 

I recently accepted a full-time position at the dream company I told you about. I start next Monday. Not to toot my own horn, I feel like I'm fucking eligible for this position because I really have the heart for this brand (might be a concern in the future who knows??) I am THRILLED to get this position but also batshit NERVOUS to start. 

I know when it comes to working, you meet all sorts of individuals and sometimes they're not all the best kind and sometimes that can also make me want to quite on the spot. Bad practice, I know. While I was reading this Quiet book, I also stumbled upon a book called Managing your Manager. Gave it a sift through, maybe the universe is sending me a sign. 

They hired a new person and I have to work under her. Tbh, I really struggle trying to match my pace (and vibe) with her but I will try to learn to adapt. 

Will update you more :')

x

vv

+
fleurs