this is my second time ditching work.

sometimes the city itself makes me feel stuffy. i had all of these thoughts messed up in my mind but everything clears up once the train arrives in my hometown - tanjung malim. the town i used to loath when i was a child, is now my favourite place to come home to.

anyway,

life has been messy, gillan. i have approximately 3 months down the road to finish intership and get my damned diploma. but holy fuck, i can't even stand another day in that pastry kitchen. I have been to other kitchen and not once i had doubts i could never do the 'kitchen life' but lord and behold, this kitchen is it. not only it made me doubt whether i can tahan the kitchen life but it made me question my whole being as a person.  long story short, i hate working in there.

it's the people and probably how alien i feel inside there despite being in my second week there. i miss being in cold kitchen, it was hell there too but it's a learning hell. i miss the teamwork in event kitchen, mainly. pastry is so political.

i hate going to work feeling like an absolute shit - like a zombie. i have totally lost my motivation. even i try to push myself to get up and go to work, there's always something that they do that ticks me off and i'm back to square one.

i was at work earlier today. i came early, but god damn i was so scared of having to feel all these unnecessary shit that i straight went up to the surau and cried. i felt so weak. i hate how on edge i feel these few days. i get super sensitive and my brain just goes to flight or fight mode.

so i ran.

i'm in my hometown, now.
trying to get a week off.