a letter to wan chan khai.
I really hope you don't take this as a joke.
remember when you told me that by the time it's your birthday, you won't be here anymore. You won't be living in the same house as we all are and you will be, gone. When I first heard you said that, I remembered thinking "I know and it's gonna be so hard when you leave"
because I liked you. I liked you a lot actually.
I didn't know exactly when did I first noticed that I have feelings for you. You were always someone I looked forward to see in class. When you first came in for orientation, I thought I should befriend you ( mainly because I thought you were malay), When I thought there was nobody that understood my culinary vision, there were you, teaching me a lot with your knowledge. Did you know I got into Nordic cuisine because of you? Bits by bits, little things that you did makes me appreciate you.
I do know that...I like sitting on the counter watching you cook. I like when you let me watch football with you. I like when you pick me up at the MRT station after work. I like eating with you. I like watching stupid videos with you. I like walking around with you because I can hold your arm. I like when you tell other people about what I eat and what I don't eat. I like going to cafes with you. I like when you take care of me when I'm sick. I like walking to work with you. I like grocery shopping with you. I like that most of my favourite day has you in it.
Sometimes I wonder how it feels like to be loved by someone like you. I wonder how does it feel to be able to get the privilege to text you, call you and go out together every time. There were songs that reminds me of you, from sunset rollercoaster's my jinji to gia margaret's oh my love. There was a time when you took care of me so well that I felt like no amount of money could repay your kindness. You are such an amazing person and I'm so glad that I stumbled upon you. Even though I keep all these feelings, I know you could never see more than a friend (or as a little sister). But despite our 9-years gap, I feel connected to you the most out of my other friends.
the reason why I am writing this letter is to let you know, that I had feelings for you and that by writing this letter, I could (maybe) finally let out a breath that I've been holding and finally move on with my life.
So here's the thing, I want to say thank you, khai.
thank you for being someone i could look up to. thank you for understanding my weird antics, my sickness and my perspectives. thank you for accompanying me to everywhere i wanted to go. thank you for lending me your shoulder when i wanted to sleep. thank you for letting me hold your arms when we're walking, thank you for always remembering what i do and don't like . thank you for taking care of me and thank you, for existing.
good luck in life, I hope you'll get what you always wanted. One day, when I open Noma's website, I hope you'll be the first Malaysian to be in the alumni page. You'll be great, Khai.
once again, thank you and
i'll see you, when i see you.
sincerely,
vv.