I have been wondering if one day, I will find someone that makes me happy or that he equally loves me just as equally I love him. That he listens to the same genre of music as I am or he understands whatever i wrote and call it off as poetry. Typing this makes me feel like an ungrateful bitch, maybe I am. But I can't help it you know? I feel like it's not genuine anymore.

I've been dating this certain guy for a solid 4 years now, it was great at first. He's in the track team, He's cute and tall, His academic results are average sometimes good, he has this mysterious vibe going on. I'm starting to believe that for the past years, I was just in love with the idea of him loving me. I had a crush on this guy for 3 years and then when he returned the same feeling- i was a goner. It was a bliss fucking hell of 6 years.

But.. it wears me out. I don't admit it to anyone, but I know its toxic. There were some days I wish he was more caring, approachable, kind and considerate. But you can't change a person unless the person decides to change himself.

I'm not asking for much /I guess/, I want someone that could get along with my friends instead of just brushing them off as 'bunch of idiots i will never get along' . I want someone to see the good in people, no matter how shit this world already is. A feminist would be nice, or a liberal. Because I'm basically those two.

MoviNG oN, I want someone that can give support, not that I can't support myself pft. It's just that, I want someone to take my interests seriously, I want someone that will show up on my important dates like my final exam or four course to show support.


written may 5 2017.