Dear Gillan,

I wasn't able to sleep today because I could not stop thinking about Jungwoo's fancams but I suddenly thought of this,

You know how my dream 'life' is to work in a bakery/cafe, go around town with a bicycle attached with a basket filled with flower (so french sangat) and live in a decently decorated space (alone).

Realistically speaking, f&b workers are most often underpaid, the road in kuala lumpur was not entirely made for cyclists and houses are expensive to rent if you're planning to stay alone. Due to my constant cafe hopping is also draining my pocket.

I'm starting to think, would I survive longer when I romanticise my own life to be something made out of a movie? The wake up in the morning, commute to work, open up the cafe and brew coffee for half of the city. When work is done, I would take a slow walk and grab any bits and bob to my house. Draw a bath and chill while sipping tea. Maybe adopt a calico cat or two.

Would that work best for me?

I'm 22 this year. Even if an older person would say to me that I'm still young, there are people who are the same age as me and they are achieving more in life. The pressure is always going to be there, you know? I am quite afraid that I will never climb higher, that I will always be stuck in this position. When all of my friends do and have a better life, would I exclude myself from them slowly, knowing I could no longer be as relevant.

Can you believe I've been at home for a month now? This MCO is making me think a lot. On wanting to be a better person and doing the things that I am insecure the most. I wanted to try singing again. I am so afraid to be able to do so again, posting covers is something vulnerable to me. There are so many good singers out there, why bother with me? I have this tendency where if I don't get the attention that I wanted for a certain work of mine, I would just retrieve it back and deeming is not good enough. Thus, the endless self deprecating.

I'll make a list of things that I wish and want to be or I would like to achieve, maybe it'll serve as a reminder.

1. I want to make proper cover again (with mic, interface and guitars etc)
2. I want to be a good baker
3. I need to learn how to start a home baking business
4. I should try dancing